The 10 Funniest Lines from Trey Parker’s Pre-‘South Park’ Movie ‘Cannibal! The Musical’

Before there was South Park, there was Cannibal! The Musical, a film Trey Parker directed, wrote, produced, co-scored and starred in while attending the University of Colorado. Alongside frequent collaborators like South Park co-creator Matt Stone, Parker’s directorial debut loosely tells the sordid true story of Alferd Packer, an American prospector accused of cannibalism after five of his fellow travelers were found dead and partially eaten during a mining trip from Utah to Colorado. 

The all-singing, all-dancing, all-flesh-eating extravaganza is streaming now on Peacock, and filled with lines that are sure to leave you having a shpadoinkle day. Lines like…

“The sky is blue, and all the leaves are green. My heart’s as warm as a baked potato.”

Packer’s opening song sets the stage for Cannibal! The Musical: It will be nonsensical, but it will be heartwarming. As heartwarming as a baked potato. 

“She was beautiful. She had long, dark, shiny hair and almond eyes and… and little pointy ears, and a big, fluffy tail and she was fast like this.”

 

Prior to talking to Packer about the cursed journey to Breckenridge, Polly Pry gets a tip to ask about “Liane” to get him talking. It’s not until Packer gets going that Polly realizes Liane was no woman, but rather his beloved horse.

“We gotta be strong, don’t we?” “No!”

When their original guide, Lucky Larry, dies after being struck by lightning, a group of miners are discouraged from going to Colorado territory to mine for gold, and they’re more than happy to take the advice.

“Come on, we can just walk around it. It can’t be that big.”

Parker is no stranger to situational comedy, and the idea that something called the Grand Canyon “can’t be that big” is a testament to that.

Your eyes, your smile made my little life worthwhile. The sky was a lot more blue when I was on top of you.”

Packer’s callback to his opening song when he’s reminiscing about fond moments with his newly lost horse are tender — until you realize that Liane is named after Parker’s longtime girlfriend, who broke things off right before filming.  

“Fudge, Packer?”

After Packer’s song about the bond with his lost horse, James Humphrey offers him a piece of fudge, proving that there’s nothing better than a little treat and the power of a comedically placed comma.

“So cold… Can’t move… Can’t feel… Can’t make complete sentences.”

Yet another instance of Parker having fun with the nuisance that is standard English grammar.

“Sometimes, the world is black and tears run from your eyes. Maybe we’ll all get really sick. And maybe we’ll all die… So, let’s build a snowman.”

Before there was Elsa and Anna in Frozen, there was Israel Swan having an existential crisis and suffering hypothermia-induced hysteria.

“I know there’s more to life than women. I just can’t figure out what else there is. I don’t need it every night, every morning would be just fine. A little sex, that’s all I’m asking for.”

George Noon is a man of simple needs, and he, as well as the rest of the miners, aren’t afraid to express that in song and dance.

“I would’ve been better off just letting those people catch me and kill me.” “Why?” “You ever been to Wyoming?”

Much like Lucille Bluth many years later, Packer would rather be dead in Utah than alive in Wyoming. And based on the look of that deserted field, could you blame him?

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